??? For Readers

How do I get more comments or thoughts on my work and blog posts?

I suffered an anoxic brain injury from prolonged hypoxia not quite 10 years ago. In simple terms, I have brain damage from going too long without the proper amount of oxygen.

I can remember what my phone number was when I was 5, but I can’t remember what you said 20 minutes ago. It is especially hard too remember when I am tired.

I used to be able to fix my own computer, and now I cannot figure out how to hit the enter/return key ↩ here and stay in the same block….

Because I stumble through my sentences and it takes me so long to finish putting my thoughts into words. That is when I don’t forget the words entirely, so it’s difficult for some people to have the patience to listen.

The frustration of not being able to say what I am thinking, is really hard for me, as well. Then, if you interrupt me mid thought it’s over, I forget what I was talking about completely.

This is part of the reason why I love blogging. I am now the slowest typer in the world but it is ok, because speed doesn’t matter.  No one but me knows how long it takes to write out my thoughts and feelings. This is the easiest way to communicate.

I hid my poetry from almost everyone I knew growing up. In 2004, I began to share with my therapist but it wasn’t until Christmas 2011, that I shared anything with my family.

In November 2011, my twin brother was found dead in his apartment, quite a few days after he had last been seen.

I grew up in the shadows of my “talented and gifted” twin brother who was sure to be extremely successful in life, while daily I was called stupid. I knew that I wasn’t dumb but it is hard to believe differently when there was no positive programming to go with it. The fact that I had the same 4.0 gpa and was praised by my teachers often, I could not get past the negativity of “stupid”.

I always thought that my brother was extremely talented and envied the way he could share openly. I was 1/2 the way through my Jr year in high school before my parents put anything I had done on the refrigerator.

That sounds ridiculously like the way a 5 year old would think, but I hadn’t ever felt that pride.

I love to get feedback, and I would love to get more, so please feel free – Blessings to all

Every Corner


Every Corner

I am always looking for you

Around every corner of every dream

Even after all this time

I am left wondering

My heart smiles

When I think of you

My heart cries too

Because I miss you

No matter my steps forward

I keep looking back

Because that is where

Your steps are at

Our last birthday

Was 10 years ago

I was really hurt

Because you didn’t show

Of course I said

I didn’t care

It was your loss

That you weren’t there

How could I know

What was to come

Or how much

These years have stung

I don’t know how

I thought life would end

I just know how hard

It was to breathe then

I could not understand

How my heart could still beat

Without the echo

Of yours next to me

That night in the hospital

Where the roof opened wide

When my eyes were overcome

With the brightest of light

Where out of the clouds

Came an outstretched hand

Like an invitation

To the promise land

I began to reach out

I began to let go

But I second guessed

Then the roof closed

As sure as air

Is needed for life

I know that it was you

Saying goodbye

It took me years

To put into words

The vision I had

Of you leaving this world

Afraid of being judged

Or how it would be received

I kept it locked away

Hidden inside quietly

I don’t know why

I was so afraid

Of something that

Comforts me so much today

We all have our battles

We carry our scars

We let some have light

Others we keep in the dark

I know the battles

You struggled to fight

I also know how dark it is

In the middle of the night

I hope you know

It still doesn’t seem right

The dullness without

Your beautiful light

I wonder if

You are aware

Of how dark it is

Without you here

It’s the same thing

Everyday

Over and over

This miss you game

Why are you gone

Why am I here

When I close my eyes

I just disappear

It is quiet

A kind of numb

Until I open them again

Then I am overcome

My mind starts racing

Memories rush in

I cannot make it stop

I don’t know where to begin

Without you here

The world is cold

It’s missing its color

Of your paintings so bold

If I could have had

A single wish

Life would not have

Turned out like this

Loving is natural

But it comes with risks

It can lift you up

Or crash down like bricks

Blocking out the sun

As well as your warmth

Buried in the rubble

Of a broken heart

I think of you

Every single day

In the dark of night

In the shimmering rays

Of the Sunlight

While I pray for peace

That all your demons

Have been set free

Hear me as I say

With everything in me

I wish you were here

Not only in memories

I was blessed

To have my twin

My heart truly believe

I will see you again

Until that day

In every way in everything

Hopeful that when I knock

You’ll open up the door for me.

Katherine Spitzer

I’ll Still Be…


Laying next to you as you sleep

I am counting every breath you breathe

While I count yours, I am holding mine

Thirty five years is not enough time

I pray and pray for God’s healing

With all that I am and Faithfully believe in

I would bargain if I thought it would help

But that is the trap of the devil himself

With all that you are to me

You are God’s for eternity

I can beg and I can plead

I can cry and I can scream

But long before you entered my life

God had counted out your time

There is nothing I can do

I don’t have the power to save you

All the money doesn’t mean a thing

I would rather have you next to me

You are the one who has the strength

To continue to live without me

Never the other way around

I could not pick myself up of the ground

Your breath keeps my heart beating

Here on earth you are my everything

Promise me that if I can’t go first

You’ll take me too so I don’t have to feel the hurt

I cannot imagine life without you

It would be the night without the moon

How could I ever take a walk in the rain

Knowing where Heaven’s tears ended and mine began

Who would have known or even dreamed

That I would still write you poems like when I was fifteen

Your love is a dream from which I don’t want to wake

I promised to be yours forever and always

I know how rare a love like ours is to keep

People find it but let it go too easily

It hasn’t been easy but worth the fight

We have held onto each other with all our might

I am not sure what I did to deserve your love

You have been an absolute blessing from God above

I know that neither of us has the choice

But I needed to record my voice

Restless Heart sang the words of truth

In Heaven, or on Earth, I’ll Still Be Loving You.

Katherine Spitzer 2/16/21

Continue reading “I’ll Still Be…”

SMUG

SMUG

Dear God I am lost
But more so confused
I want to be faithful
In my service of you

I am asking for help
For guidance I seek
What is right or wrong
No one will tell me

The weight of everything
Is pushing me down
Before too long I will be
Completely underground

Oh, yes indeed
I have been there before
I never thought that I would ever
Crawl back through this door

But here I sit pondering
Why would I be so smug
To think I was immune
To think I was above

I am not so special
I am not unique
Is it pride or arrogance
You tell me

I fall down just like you
Standing on my two feet
I ask for God’s forgiveness
Kneeling humbly

Darkness will land upon me
The rain still soaks my skin
I cry tears like everyone
I bleed from within

When I reach the Heavenly gates
Answering for my sins
I will pray for God’s mercy
Praying He forgives

The alpha and omega
The beginning and the end
Within my brokenness
In pieces only God can mend.
Katherine Spitzer
12/5/20

Life Song

If you ripped out my heart

And dropped on the floor

Fragile it would shatter into oblivion

Where it would be no more

If you reached your hand

Deeply into my chest

Would you count the scars

Of each one of my regrets

Would you feel the blood

Seeping from my veins

Would you stand and watch

Until no more remains

I am a bit curious

I wonder what you might think

Am I really standing here

Or drawn with invisible ink

If you were able to

Would you watch my heartbeat

If it faltered would you stand by

Just as it beats its final beat

I do not know how

To be anything but me

I do not know how to love

Except fierce and tenderly

How do you

Want your story to read

Are you fully content

In the chapters that you see

What are the verses

Of your life’s song

Are they in tune

Can you sing along

If today were your last

Have you done all you could

To hold yourself accountable

To make a better world

Where do you stand

In a world that debates

That money buys happiness

And less equals heartache

How do you tell

When helping becomes hurt

How do you see the lines

When the writing blurs

If life remains familiar

Like an old 45 on repeat

When will you be strong enough

To stand on your two feet

No one makes it through life

Without being scarred

It is those wounds that show

How strong you really are

There is no way to live life

Without experiencing pain

All you need is to look at is

How your life began

Given the chance to stand up

Do you choose to speak

Or stand back until

You scream and stomp your feet

Are the words within your heart

Chosen carefully

Or do they fly off your tongue

Indiscriminately

Is hurting others

Just the way it goes

In spite of who it hurts

Or do you feel remorse

I hope that I am seen

As a force for good

With unrelenting compassion

That did the best she could

That when I stand before my God

Answering for my sins

That I stand in His favor

For the life I’ve lived

I pray that I am not distracted

From keeping my eyes on Him

Evil waits just steps away

Waiting for us to slip

I pray that your guidance I will

Always choose to seek

Without pride or ego

Stepping in between

I pray that I will always choose

To follow your written word

For God you are faithful in

No prayer goes unheard

Thank you God for loving me

More than I can conceive

Not only because I’m human and flawed

But for every breath you’ve given me.

Katherine Spitzer

November 19, 2020

Dear Pretender

Dear doctor pretender
Don’t you feel so clever
With your pen and your pad
Feeling the power within your hand
Who is it that you favor
Besides your reflection in the mirror
You don’t stay within the bounds
Of the plaque you display so proud
Your desire to dabble outside your degree
Does not change your reality
You are just a doc of bones
So sad, pathetic and alone
The master of your porcelain throne
Within your precious little condo
Where not even in your wildest dreams
Will you be a master in psychiatry
You operate with a flawed premise
That pain does not cause depression
You say depression causes physical pain
Sorry that you are wrong again
There were no tears or slightest frown
Before that semi mowed me down
Tossing me 700 feet plus
Into a field knocked unconscious
Shocked to see beautiful blue sky
That moments ago was the backseat of my ride
The big rig sensed my emotional hell
Crashing into me causing my brain to swell
Do you see flaws in your logic
The absolute absurdity is pretty ironic
TRUTH – living in severe daily pain
Is what causes depression
That is if your assumption is even correct
That I am even depressed
There you go again
Thinking outside of your profession
You are just the clinic parrot
Programed with the message of corporate
The power that you wanted to get
Will become the noose around your neck

You can obtain only so much
Knowledge from a schoolbook
They cannot make you a good human being
Real, compassionate and caring
Books can’t teach you empathy
Or give you super human strength
The truth is that we are all the same
Flawed, imperfect humans
I may not have the knowledge you do
But I still have about as much power as you
Which is truly next to not
Because neither of us is God
So remember that the patient you see
Is the treasure of a family
So with your knowledge and gifts from above
Recognize, we all just want to be heard and loved.

Katherine Spitzer
11/19/20
Esp 3:20

Overcoming

They say the mind is a powerful thing
But truly what does that mean
Is it stronger than you believe
With the powers to set you free
If you are willing to first conceive
In a different reality

When the lines of love and pain blur
A voice too small to be heard
Speaking in the softest whisper
Where thoughts are often obscured
And trusting is internally deterred
By the young that don’t yet have the words

The mind can help you feel safe
Making a pathway to escape
From destruction that others create
Fight or flight lets you evade
The terrors of reality
Even if it is only temporary

When those you love choose harm
How do you learn where you belong
Trapped in viscous cycled storms
When do you no longer hear alarms
Maybe when darkness fades and light takes form
A whole new song can be born.

Katherine Spitzer
11/15/20

Grays

Can you hear the sound
Of silent tears crashing down
Or do they slip on by
Unnoticed by the keenest eyes
Are you able to hear
The brokenhearted disappear
Have you ever witnessed
Madness in spiraling decent
Do you welcome the darkness
Or to the side do you step 
Allowing the chaos to seep inside
Within the tiniest of voids defined
Disappearing into the blackest of holes
Banished forever in the shadows
Or is there something more to know
A hint, a glimmer or a glow
Is there maybe a single lens
To see sunlight where shadows bend
A glimpse of something more
Sun peeking through after a downpour
In the shades of white and black
Rarely one is without the other half
Grateful to see more than just grays
Glimpses of rainbows after the rain
Where sorrow eases into joyful cries
For the One whom we Glorify.

Katherine Spitzer
11/10/20

GRIEF

You need never apologize
For a single tear you have cried
Or for becoming someone new
Once a piece of your soul was ripped from you
The words spoken through tears
Words that no mother wants to hear
“She’s gone baby” is what was said
You felt the overwhelming dread
As your heart began to break
Words that must still feel like a mistake
Shattering everything you have known
Filling you with unbearable sorrow
Today you have tried to mend
Gathering all the pieces of who you were then
Pieces that no longer seem to fit
The heart is like glass so delicate
Where the shattered shards that remain
Cannot become one again
The Gift of Life changes everything
Your heart was joy overflowing
The day that Nevaeh Rae Grace was born
Your life took on a brand new form
For everyday you shared with her
She helped you form a whole new world
An journey of adventure and love
Designed by the Lord above
He knew what the world didn’t then
When Nevaeh would be called home again
The Lord has the answer to the question Why?
You may ask Him in due time
When you hold her in your arms again
That is when your heart will mend
So you need never apologize
For a single tear you’ve cried
You earned every one by far
Wear them as your battle scars
You found the courage to go on and beyond
A sign of a loving and devoted Mom
When your life has run it’s course
You will hold her forevermore.

Katherine Spitzer
10/30/2020

Forever Treasured

Today is one more day
Collected memories
Another year of days in May
That sometimes are so far from me

I will never understand
Why God took you home
Leaving me to stand 
Here all alone

I try to comprehend
Searching my minds crevasse
Back in time to when
Through a looking glass

When you were always
There next to me
Even in today's haze
I can still see

You are there
In all the pictures
In all the shouts
In every whisper

I look for you
In the rainbows
I look for you 
In the clouds

I hear you in music
Even in a crowd
I have yet to forget
You laughing outloud

I still hear your voice
Remembering it clearly  
If given a choice 
This is not how it would be

I never considered this 
Although God knew
From before we were knit
In our Mother's womb

I would not 
Have ever imagined
Considered the thought
Nor ever fathomed

I would have to continue
To live and exist
Or wondering if you knew
How I'd miss your friendship

Only God knew 
The numbered days
Of you 
Along with the ways

You would be remembered
By those of us left here
Forever Treasured
For our remaining years.

Katherine Spitzer
June 5,2020