The Last Time

Oddly strange how little was said
The last time that ours eyes met
When my heart broke all apart
Because I could not reach yours
The overwhelming feeling of defeat
Fading into the darkness of my retreat
The grey that covered your steel- blue eyes
When I stared into them for the very last time
All of your spirit had long since slipped away
I watched as you turned your back on me
Oh how badly I wanted to be wrong
But you were, already gone
Tears fell as I drove away
But I could form no words to say
I watched the sun tumble out of the sky
But I could not say goodbye
All these years underneath the weight
From the guilt of being just a little too late
I was too young to be that strong
Too young for you to rely on
You were the Hero of this child’s life
Until you were consumed by strife
There was nothing I could do
But I so desparately wanted to save you
I know today that is not my place
Because Peace is given with God’s grace
I know that your demons have set you free
So in death you may rest peacefully
I am loving you with every inch of my heart
The way I will until I have departed
Hopefully, in Heaven you will look my way
As finally there will be nothing left to say
Yet now missing you for my days that remain.
Katherine Spitzer

#suicide #depression #broken #grief

This poem is about the last time I looked my big brother in the eyes. I was 16 and I knew he was going to die. This was Sunday afternoon, and they found him on Friday. The coroner said it had likely been gone for 3 days, but he put 2 on the certificate.

My parents used me as their pawn to try to get him to open his door so they could pounce on him.

So little was known about mental illness. 34 years later the way the world treats people with about as much compassion as they did then. Which I think is complete Bullshit. The facilities themselves are the oldest hospital wings on the planet. WHY??? Is it because we are “too sick or delusional to know the difference”.
I was not much beyond 13yo when the police came to “deal with” my brother. My mom had taken offense to something, called 911 and reported that he was acting erratically. I believe that my mom had wanted to teach him a lesson, because I remember her saying something to the effect of “well I’ll show you”.
I don’t know why, At this point, he barely put 5 words together at one time. In fact, he barely spoke 5 words in a day. He was so drugged up with anti-psychotics.
The cops literally chased him around the living and dining room, until they caught him, then sat on him, until he was hogtied. The whole time he was screaming, and crying (& so was I) and then 2 officers carried him out of the house.

I have never talked about those terrifying minutes, detailing the emotions, but it deeply scarred me, like much of the final 4 years and 10 months of his life…. and the aftermath, I am still working on

Be kind, stay blessed, and thank you for being here, ❤️ Kat

14 thoughts on “The Last Time

  1. I totally understand. But that wasn’t what I was feeling. I was feeling sad for you that that happened to you too.
    But that sadness turned into frustration because it is just so wrong.
    Then my frustration turned to anger.
    Not at You, or because of what you said.
    But simply because it happened at all.
    I am so sorry for the confusion. I am sorry for my tangent… it wasn’t you.
    I truly do want to hear your stories. I think we are already able to connect through comments.
    I am curious too know more about you.
    I hope that you will still be willing and feel comfortable enough to share with me.
    I am again sorry for this miscommunication. I hope that it will be forgotten. 🙏 🙏 🙏
    I have been completely stressed out this past 2 weeks.


    1. Thank you. My family has always been SO full of manipulation and guilt trips. My temper goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds if my sister tried to guilt me.
      Chris died 12 days after I was released from my 1st psych unit stay of 6 weeks.
      My mom looked at me and said “If you kill yourself now, just know that I will kill myself too”. I was 16. That is pretty fucked up.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Kat, I definitely understand. My mom was a manic depressive. She got suicidal and had to be sent to a psych ward. Which I never understood because suicidal people aren’t crazy, most of the time, like my mom, they’re crying out for help.

        And my dad pretty much said the same thing to her.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you have any kind of understanding about mental health, you might want to take guilt trips off the table.
        They won’t work.
        My PTSD is the reason for my Psych stays.
        Constant flashbacks with dissociation.
        Dissociation for me meant that I did not remember where I was before the flashback and that confusion would cause panic and round and round.
        Suicide was the only way I knew I would be to stop it.
        That was all I wanted.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I read your comment as when your mom was suicidal that your dad said that to either her or you that if either committed suicide that he would too.
        My rant was about my mom.
        I was 16, and she was 51 when she said that to me.
        But there is so much more to the story.
        I got out of the ADULT psych unit and was dropped off at school by my mom.
        The Principal was my advisor.
        On the way to pick me up, my mom drove in the opposite direction and stopped by the HS. She walked into the office. While kids were already there… started making a giant scene that drew everyone’s attention to her. She was yelling at the principal and saying that she should sue them and then, she turned to walk out the door but stopped in the hallway where kids congregated and screamed and “I AM NOT An ALCOHOLIC!!!” then slammed the front office door.
        I never talked to the principal about anything in my life ever.
        I would not talk to her, and she knew very little about me.
        Then my mom dropped me off and drove away.
        The first person I went to see was our School Psychologist.
        And the 1st thing she told me was how shocked the principal was after my mom’s visit.
        The following day was the 1st day of Spring break and I was going to Oregon with my boyfriend (husband) and his little brother to spend the week with their dad. We came back home the following Saturday.
        The next day my parents took me to be a pawn. And Wed he was dead.
        So guilting me As a very fragile child, was just something that I felt like was pretty crappy.

        But you did NOT say anything wrong.
        I have a hard time keeping all of my squirrels inside my brain, in the same nest at the same time. They just scatter into hundreds of different directions.
        This is an example of me following one off into the past.

        Why did you think you said something wrong?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think you might have thought I was either comparing your experience or I was trying to up you as to try to say your experience was less than my moms. I wasn’t. You shared what you’ve been through and I thought I’d share something I’ve been through.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. We were talking about how broken the system is, compassionate care should be universal. There is no excuse for it not to be.
      I am not someone that believes that change happens in some room, somewhere, with a group of people talking about what a perfect world would be.
      I am so sick of all of the bureaucracy that is involved in changing anything. I look at how much money is wasted by politicians talking about or “investigating”.
      We need some fucking action taking place. How can anyone NEED to look at the way things are for longer than 5 minutes- without saying this shit needs to be fixed.
      Consider if they were willing to take ALL the money from years of talking and Actually use it to do something good.
      That might just maybe make a difference.
      “AND miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep”
      Robert Frost

      Liked by 1 person

      1. One thing that I think would make a difference is to have people who actually live with mental illness being involved high up in the decision-making process. That’s who’s really going to know what actions need to be taken and what will work.

        Liked by 1 person

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