SOS

Sending out a message tonight
Right up into the stars
Into the brightest of lights
As far as the planet Mars

I’m not sure that is far enough
But it is a place to start
I have yet to see heaven
Still I will know it by heart

So I am sending out a SOS
To the Heavens tonight
Just to make it known
I am missing you tonight

I missed you Yesterday
Like the days before
Since you left this world
With no warning at all

Hoping for that one day in time
When the pain won’t be so strong
That God will send me a sign
Where your absence won’t feel so wrong

Sometimes it is so hard
To find the right words
Knowing if you were by my side
These lines would not be blurred

If I had a few moments
Of you within my sight Maybe then you would not feel stolen
From the rest of my life

But who am I trying to kid
Moments are never enough
Try as I might to bid
For the return of your love

That would not be fair to you
To pull you back from peace
Even if I were able to
To fulfill a selfish need

Instead I will paint a picture
Like the ones you left behind
As I plan our next adventure
Instead of for answers I will never find

Each day that passes by
Is further from what we once knew
But one step closer in time
To when I will be reunited with you.
Katherine A. Spitzer
10/24/18

#poetry #life #grief #hope

Chosen

Many many nights
I still lay awake
Beneath enormous weight
As my heart breaks

How can memories
Weigh so much
When will that guilt
Ever be enough

The day we shared
Is almost here
How do I breathe
Without you near

When will I ever
Be able to know
That it is okay
To let you go

Because the thought
So far from me
Of you gone away
For eternity

Brings a lasting ache
That steals my breath complete
Then I wait to see
If my heart continues to beat

Why did you
Not let me know
To hug you again
Would not be so

I still hear the sound
Of your voice say
That you would
Love me for always

You always said
I was the lucky one
Oh how being alone
Must have stung

My brother send
Some strength my way
So I can find the courage
To live beyond today

I don’t know how
It worked out to be
That death chose you
Instead of me.

Katherine Spitzer
5/29/12

Miss You

My Gemini and I

Right now I miss you
Not that that is unique
I missed you yesterday too
And all the days since you left me

It is so hard to express
How much one life means
Until you experience the silence
Of the one who no longer speaks

Those who don’t know
Think it gets better with time
Like with the wind that blows
You will fly from my heart and my mind

Truth be known
I won’t let them see
That behind closed doors
Is a crumpled mess of me

The words they speak
The sharpness of their tongue
Cut my skin so deep
It’s hard not to come undone

You are the folks that turn me away
My heart it’s not strong enough
To teach you how to behave
After the loss of one that I loved

Still, I know you are there
Up way beyond the stars That your love who didn’t disappear
With how far away you are

When I see a rainbow
Following the rain
And I listen closely
I hear you call my name

A shooting star streaking
Across the night sky
Says that you are peeking in
Just to say hi

When I see a butterfly
Floating on the breeze
Or a bird singing softly
On the branch of a tree

One delivers kisses
With the help of the Wind
The other send skips
To the beat of my heart again

My eyes may not see
What is felt by heartbeat
You are right beside me
For all of eternity.
Katherine Spitzer

#pain #grief #mytwindied #life

How Could You

Colin and I

How could you go and leave
While I am struggling for every breath I breathe
My eyes are blurred, I cannot see
This wasn’t How it was supposed to be
I am all alone, just me

Looking into the nightly sky
It’s the same question every time
                    WHY?
Without even a goodbye
Tears spill from my eyes

How do I keep living without you
I know there’s much more for me to do
That my job is not through
My family still needs me too
But I am SO missing you

The pain remains every day
As I search for the words To say
How quickly I am slipping away
How did it already become today
How much this torment weighs

Midnight turns the page, a new year
The thought brings such intense fear
I cry so much without you here
Were the clouds hiding what was crystal clear
Should I have known your time was near

Now tending to a broken heart
We grew together from the start
I hope that I did my part
To love you with all of my heart
Be a light that washes away the dark

I hope that I can move on
For without you here, I still belong
Even though it feels so wrong
I will stumble to move along
Chasing away the darkness with the dawn

Please send me the courage to stay
To live on for one more day
How heavy can Guilt, really weigh
I know you have broken your chains
Forever in my heart, you will remain

Until I am reunited with you once again.
1/1/2012

I wrote this about 2 months after my twin brother, Colin passed away suddenly. We were 41, and I didn’t know that my heart was capable of continuing to beat, if he were not on this earth with me. I am sure that sounds odd unless you are a twin.  I don’t know how I expected things to end, except that I guess I never expected it at all.

Echo

My Gemini and I  

I can no longer
Place you within my gaze
Unbelievable that it has been
Over a decade

I cannot feel
You next to me
As others sing
Happy Birthday to me

Birthdays to me
Are always missing one thing
You to blow out the candles too
My Gemini, my twin

With distance measured in Light Years
And space as deep as infinity
Something even in this universe
I can’t imagine nor will I ever see

I don’t know that
After all this time
If you heard my voice
That you would still recognize

I think that there may be a chance
As in our Mother’s womb
That you may know the echo
Of my heartbeats boom-boom

It’s hard not to know since
I cannot be 100% sure
If I still mean as much to you
As you do for us on Earth

I worry sometimes
That with so many souls
I might be standing next to you
And may never even know

That must sound
Completely absurd
But it’s about as secure as
Anything else in an Earthly World

I look closely at the night sky
Watching intently
To see if I can witness
You dancing on moonlit beams

Or if it is you
In the sparks
Of shooting stars
Streaming through the dark

Watching a gentle stream flow
I’ll quickly take a peek
Over my shoulder for the reflection
Of you sneaking up behind me

I listen to the music
That we used to love
Wondering if it will
Ever take me high enough

To not feel so alone
Searching for a way to be
Something close to who I was
When you were still beside me.
March 19, 2022

Forever Treasured

Today is one more day
Of collected memories
Another year of days in May
That at times seem so far from me

I will never understand
Why God took you home
Leaving me to stand 
Here all alone

I try to comprehend
Searching my minds crevasse
Back in time to when
Through a looking glass

You were always
There next to me
Even in today's haze
I can still see

You are there
In all the pictures
In all the shouts
In every whisper

I look for you
In the rainbows
I look for you 
In the clouds

I hear you in music
Even in a crowd
I have yet to forget the sound
Of you laughing out loud

I still hear your voice
Remembering it clearly  
If I were given a choice  
This is not how it would be

I never considered this 
Although God knew
From before we were knit
In our Mother's womb

I would not 
Have ever imagined
Considered the thought
Nor ever fathomed

I would have to continue
To live and exist
Or wonder if you knew
How I'd miss your friendship

Only God knew 
The numbered days
Of you 
Along with the ways

You would be remembered
By those of us left here
Forever Treasured
For our remaining years.

Katherine Spitzer
June 5, 2020