So ya… 5/5/22

I AM still alive. After 9 days in the hospital I have a new friend

SIEGFRIED (Sig) is a PICC Line. He is on the inside of my right arm and goes up to right above my heart.

My friend – is a little Needy (sshthat’s our secret) and insists on going everywhere with me.

Meet SIEGFRIED

More soon, thanks for being here, it means so much. Stay Blessed, Love Kat

Witness

My heart broke a bit more today
Sitting next to your bed
You were fighting so hard to stay
As each breath was labored

I sat there among your friends
Where I felt truly blessed
Knowing you were near the end
As you struggled for every breath

I held your hand
I kissed your forehead
I told you how I was blessed
Because of you my friend

One by one
Everyone said goodbye
All of a sudden
It was just you and I

I spoke of my memories
We had so much fun
Because that is who you are
To everyone

I told you of all the love
Posted on your page
I spoke of those Harley rides
I treasure every single one

I told you that I would
Forever cherish our friendship
That if I could
Have just one wish

I wish you could stay
So that we could laugh
For many more days
But God had a different plan

I said look at you
Fighting so hard to stay
That you didn’t have to
That it would be okay

That you didn’t have to anymore
But I did not expect
When I said it was alright to let go
That you would take your last breath

But that is what happened
You were ready to say goodbye
I cried as I held your hand
While the nurse closed your eyes

Feeling completely blessed
That I got to say goodbye
So soar with the eagles
Take a Harley for a ride

Ride on your horses
Feel the breeze going by
With Rags on your lap
Who waited for you to arrive

Say hello to Colin
Hug your dear dad
I had the very best friend
In such an amazing man.

Katherine Spitzer. 10/2/2015
#poetry #life #death #grief

I wrote this poem for my wonderful friend on Friday after He flew to Heaven.

SOS

Sending out a message tonight
Right up into the stars
Into the brightest of lights
As far as the planet Mars

I’m not sure that is far enough
But it is a place to start
I have yet to see heaven
Still I will know it by heart

So I am sending out a SOS
To the Heavens tonight
Just to make it known
I am missing you tonight

I missed you Yesterday
Like the days before
Since you left this world
With no warning at all

Hoping for that one day in time
When the pain won’t be so strong
That God will send me a sign
Where your absence won’t feel so wrong

Sometimes it is so hard
To find the right words
Knowing if you were by my side
These lines would not be blurred

If I had a few moments
Of you within my sight Maybe then you would not feel stolen
From the rest of my life

But who am I trying to kid
Moments are never enough
Try as I might to bid
For the return of your love

That would not be fair to you
To pull you back from peace
Even if I were able to
To fulfill a selfish need

Instead I will paint a picture
Like the ones you left behind
As I plan our next adventure
Instead of for answers I will never find

Each day that passes by
Is further from what we once knew
But one step closer in time
To when I will be reunited with you.
Katherine A. Spitzer
10/24/18

#poetry #life #grief #hope

Chosen

Many many nights
I still lay awake
Beneath enormous weight
As my heart breaks

How can memories
Weigh so much
When will that guilt
Ever be enough

The day we shared
Is almost here
How do I breathe
Without you near

When will I ever
Be able to know
That it is okay
To let you go

Because the thought
So far from me
Of you gone away
For eternity

Brings a lasting ache
That steals my breath complete
Then I wait to see
If my heart continues to beat

Why did you
Not let me know
To hug you again
Would not be so

I still hear the sound
Of your voice say
That you would
Love me for always

You always said
I was the lucky one
Oh how being alone
Must have stung

My brother send
Some strength my way
So I can find the courage
To live beyond today

I don’t know how
It worked out to be
That death chose you
Instead of me.

Katherine Spitzer
5/29/12

Distant Shadows

Distant shadows, I hear you call
If you come closer, will I take the fall?
You are the darkness I hold dear
I know you so without a fear
You sing your songs to me
I listen to your words intently

Distant shadows, can you hear me too?
There is something so familiar about you
You sing to me a desperate serenade
I sometimes think, for you I was made
You will always hold me close to you
If that is what I choose to do

Distant shadows, can you see?
The space I’ve put between me and thee
Darkness makes it hard to see
Lord please light a path for me
As fear sometimes envelopes me
Yet you can feel me breaking free

Distant shadows, I am not sure what to do
Torn between to stay or walk away from you
I feel you try to pull me in
This is the way it always begins
Though I feel you reach for me
I found a better place to be

Distant shadows, I hear you sing
But peace and comfort, you no longer bring
Distant shadows, I hear your lies
So now I bid you this goodbye
There is a place that waits for me
That is better than you will ever be
Distant shadows, I hear you call
But this time I won’t take the fall.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #recovery #addiction #trauma #ptsd

Still Breathing

I am reposting this poem that I wrote after two mass shootings in Texas in a single weekend. It seems like there is so much madness and hatred… but why? How has violence the immediate reaction to even the smallest slight? How did we get here? I don’t understand and I don’t think that I will ever understand. I hope you enjoy the read. Please stay blessed and kindness has the power to save the world. Thanks so much for being here, ❤️ Kat

I am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

A human being

My God

Does your heart break

In awe

Of the rampent hate

Despite your words

Of loving grace

Are you disturbed

By the human race

Every time

I turn around

In hatred and violence

Lives are shot down

For everyday

Of this year

In the United States

A mass murder

Instigated by

Hate speech

Rhetoric and lies

From those who lead

How did we

Get to this place

Becoming so ugly

Where everyone’s afraid

Grade school kids

Have butterflies

Looking ahead

As excitements rise

When back to school shoppers

Fall victim on Saturday

To a planned massacre

And wind up in a grave

God do your tears fall

Like mine do here

Where evil crawls

Across the universe

I know it will be

As written in the scripture

Your return eventually

Will change this picture

I am not afraid

Of your return

When the evil that walks

Will forever burn

As long as I

Am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

I will pray to you

For comfort and peace

For your presence

With those in need

My Almighty Savior

Faithful are thee

With your love so pure

Blessed are those who believe

I will never be perfect

Or ever claim to be

I have stumbled for certain

Still you love me completely

My God, I love you too.

Katherine Spitzer 8/20/2019

#poetry #faith #iamachildofgod #believe #hope #life

A Speck of Sorrow

A drop glistens
In the light
Of the day
Slowly taking form
Is a speck of sorrow
That almost burns
Searing into the skin
On the side
Of her cheek
The pain
Of the misery
Broken over time
By a giant void
Lost love
Pain that bleeds
Stifling breath
A weight of
Insane proportions
A wide open hole
Tears that burn
Searing the skin
Of her cheek
In complete misery.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #depression #pain

The Last Time

Oddly strange how little was said
The last time that ours eyes met
When my heart broke all apart
Because I could not reach yours
The overwhelming feeling of defeat
Fading into the darkness of my retreat
The grey that covered your steel- blue eyes
When I stared into them for the very last time
All of your spirit had long since slipped away
I watched as you turned your back on me
Oh how badly I wanted to be wrong
But you were, already gone
Tears fell as I drove away
But I could form no words to say
I watched the sun tumble out of the sky
But I could not say goodbye
All these years underneath the weight
From the guilt of being just a little too late
I was too young to be that strong
Too young for you to rely on
You were the Hero of this child’s life
Until you were consumed by strife
There was nothing I could do
But I so desparately wanted to save you
I know today that is not my place
Because Peace is given with God’s grace
I know that your demons have set you free
So in death you may rest peacefully
I am loving you with every inch of my heart
The way I will until I have departed
Hopefully, in Heaven you will look my way
As finally there will be nothing left to say
Yet now missing you for my days that remain.
Katherine Spitzer

#suicide #depression #broken #grief

This poem is about the last time I looked my big brother in the eyes. I was 16 and I knew he was going to die. This was Sunday afternoon, and they found him on Friday. The coroner said it had likely been gone for 3 days, but he put 2 on the certificate.

My parents used me as their pawn to try to get him to open his door so they could pounce on him.

So little was known about mental illness. 34 years later the way the world treats people with about as much compassion as they did then. Which I think is complete Bullshit. The facilities themselves are the oldest hospital wings on the planet. WHY??? Is it because we are “too sick or delusional to know the difference”.
I was not much beyond 13yo when the police came to “deal with” my brother. My mom had taken offense to something, called 911 and reported that he was acting erratically. I believe that my mom had wanted to teach him a lesson, because I remember her saying something to the effect of “well I’ll show you”.
I don’t know why, At this point, he barely put 5 words together at one time. In fact, he barely spoke 5 words in a day. He was so drugged up with anti-psychotics.
The cops literally chased him around the living and dining room, until they caught him, then sat on him, until he was hogtied. The whole time he was screaming, and crying (& so was I) and then 2 officers carried him out of the house.

I have never talked about those terrifying minutes, detailing the emotions, but it deeply scarred me, like much of the final 4 years and 10 months of his life…. and the aftermath, I am still working on

Be kind, stay blessed, and thank you for being here, ❤️ Kat

Evil Seed

My breath against
A pane of glass
So cold that it has
Intricately defined cracks

Of winters chill
From a broken heart
That will shatter suddenly
If brought out of the dark

In the darkness
Evil breeds
Relentlessly
From the smallest seed

But what if
That evil seed
Has been cultivated
To come from inside me

If all that I have
Is saddness and pain
To give to the world
Please then erase my name

Make it be heard
In crazy campfire haunts
Use me to be a warning
Of what they ought not want

Because it is true
That evil walks beside
People day and night
When you’d think he’d hide

He will choose a form
Of what you think you need
Making promises of lies
If he can make you believe

To take you to hell
Claiming your soul
Into a darkened pit
Buried far below
Katherine A. Spitzer
5/29/19

#poetry #life #depression

Eight

Here’s a little memory
About a child’s fate
The Saga of a little girl
And we will call her Kate
Events in life that changed her
When she was only eight

Having fun as time passed by
But it was getting late
1 more sale almost home
The competition great
In the lead and number one
And she was only eight

Up the street and over 1
Was a sale super great
The family that lived there
Back in 1978
She walked up the driveway happily
Would she sell six boxes or 8

The boy said Mom’s here
Step inside and wait
She stepped inside nervously
Then in a frantic state
As the top latch was secured
And she was only eight

They chased her to and fro
Back and forth and straight
Desperation taking hold
As she tried to escape
It seemed slim with four of them
And she was only eight

Kate followed their demands
Wanting out she wanted to escape
Wishing she could go home
Instead they sealed her fate
It’s hard to explain to anyone
Being raped when you are eight
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #trauma #ptsd