How do you cope with severe anxiety in an environment that you cannot control???

I am in the hospital for a week now. I have not had so much anxiety in quite awhile. I am jumping out of my skin and I have nothing here that will calm me down.

Anyone with a startle response has to understand that feeling and every noise making me jump 3″ off the bed.

What do you do??? Thanks. Stay Blessed, Kat

Chimes of the Clock

Chimes of the clock
Come slowly in sleepless nights
Eyes are open
With a sense of fright
Shadows creep up the wall
Far from light
Behind a blanket, a cover
A shield of might
Maybe they won’t find me
The monsters of the night
Eyes peeking through
Covers wound tight
Waiting for the sun
With the calm that it invites
To break free from
The demons of the night
To take cover with
A blanket of sunlight.
Katherine Spitzer
8/3/11

#poetry #life #anxiety

Still Breathing

I am reposting this poem that I wrote after two mass shootings in Texas in a single weekend. It seems like there is so much madness and hatred… but why? How has violence the immediate reaction to even the smallest slight? How did we get here? I don’t understand and I don’t think that I will ever understand. I hope you enjoy the read. Please stay blessed and kindness has the power to save the world. Thanks so much for being here, ❤️ Kat

I am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

A human being

My God

Does your heart break

In awe

Of the rampent hate

Despite your words

Of loving grace

Are you disturbed

By the human race

Every time

I turn around

In hatred and violence

Lives are shot down

For everyday

Of this year

In the United States

A mass murder

Instigated by

Hate speech

Rhetoric and lies

From those who lead

How did we

Get to this place

Becoming so ugly

Where everyone’s afraid

Grade school kids

Have butterflies

Looking ahead

As excitements rise

When back to school shoppers

Fall victim on Saturday

To a planned massacre

And wind up in a grave

God do your tears fall

Like mine do here

Where evil crawls

Across the universe

I know it will be

As written in the scripture

Your return eventually

Will change this picture

I am not afraid

Of your return

When the evil that walks

Will forever burn

As long as I

Am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

I will pray to you

For comfort and peace

For your presence

With those in need

My Almighty Savior

Faithful are thee

With your love so pure

Blessed are those who believe

I will never be perfect

Or ever claim to be

I have stumbled for certain

Still you love me completely

My God, I love you too.

Katherine Spitzer 8/20/2019

#poetry #faith #iamachildofgod #believe #hope #life

Within My Mind

Day by day
Step by step
We make our way
Trying to forget
The pain of yesterday

Eye to eye
Tear by tear
Seeking why
There’s so much fear
In my mind

Day by day
Turn the Page
Same old story
Age to age
The pains of yesterday

Lie after lie
Spoken in my ear
Over and over in time
Afraid to disappear
Inside my mind

Hiding in wait
Lost in gaze
Attempting to navigate
This twisted maze
The pains of yesterday

Laughter hides
What’s crystal clear
Broken inside
Fading out to disappear
Within my mind.
Katherine Spitzer
#anxiety #depression #life #poetry #ptsd

Evil Seed

My breath against
A pane of glass
So cold that it has
Intricately defined cracks

Of winters chill
From a broken heart
That will shatter suddenly
If brought out of the dark

In the darkness
Evil breeds
Relentlessly
From the smallest seed

But what if
That evil seed
Has been cultivated
To come from inside me

If all that I have
Is saddness and pain
To give to the world
Please then erase my name

Make it be heard
In crazy campfire haunts
Use me to be a warning
Of what they ought not want

Because it is true
That evil walks beside
People day and night
When you’d think he’d hide

He will choose a form
Of what you think you need
Making promises of lies
If he can make you believe

To take you to hell
Claiming your soul
Into a darkened pit
Buried far below
Katherine A. Spitzer
5/29/19

#poetry #life #depression

Breaking Point

I want to be
A thick crystal vase
Etched and Strong
Hard to break
Or maybe like
A granite mountain
Instead of
An ice sculptured fountain
Where the warmth of the air
And flowing water cause
It to lose form and disappear
Why are we made
In such a fragile form
Why aren’t we more like turtles
Able to hide from a storm
I envy the thought
Of having a thick shell
To protect against
Each of life’s little hell
With a lions strength
So full of courage
That I would not break
With just simple words
I want to be fierce
But I wasn’t made that way
I am little more than
The tears I cry today.

Katherine Spitzer

Evil’s Grasp

I honestly don’t know where this poem came from or why this morning. It is darker than most of my work since the early ’90s. Except for a poem I wrote in December of 2008, called “Satan’s Lies”. Not to say that I have some darker poems, but they are closer to gray, and this feels more like pitch black. I do hope, either way, that you enjoy it.  Thanks for being here and stay blessed.

There is such a contradiction 
Between the power of will
And the devastating effects
From the power of evil

Have you ever met
Someone so cold
If you were able to look inside
You would see they have no soul

Have you ever heard
Evil, call your name
Or watched it reach out
As it grabs onto your hand

Once it has you
Within its grasp
You are at the mercy
Of its attack

Have you ever felt a chill
From across the room
Causing the overwhelming sense
Of impending doom 

Or have you ever heard
Evil whisper in your ear
So clearly, that you
Began to shake with fear

Felt it breathe
On the back of your neck
With hands around your throat
Choking out your breath

Where its face becomes
So  close to yours
You cannot disregard
Its unmistakable force

Like the eye of a tornado
Where you begin to feel relief
Only to be picked up again
Thrown across the street

It is in the shadows
Where Evil hides
With many faces
It attempts to disguise

Believe in yourself
No matter how it tries
Trust your gut
Your instincts won't lie

Stand strong
In your conviction
Pray for God's strength
As well as His protection

No matter your beliefs
No matter what I say
Evil walks among us
Every single day

There is nothing at all
No greater extreme
Between Heaven and Hell
In the lengths of eternity.

Katherine Spitzer
March 30, 2022

An Old Companion

This is a poem from many years ago, struggling with
my addiction. Repost

An old companion
Down the hall
I cannot abandon
I hear it call
Standing silent
Looking back at me
To be defiant
I cannot be
It’s gentle urging
For my return
As I am purging
I feel the burn
A spell of silence
So very loud
Once reliant
Cannot be found
A memory
Of sweet embrace
Has now become
A relentless chase
The acid sears
My every breath
Until there is
Nothing left
My friend, my friend
I hear you call
You, I will defend
Throughout it all
A tiny bottle
From the past
Here in denial
This chance, my last
For the love
Of my destruction
It is enough
Your sweet seduction
It’s my turn
To form a plan
To ensure
One last stand
My friend, my friend
Time cannot recall
Without your hand
Will I take the fall
The bottle I hold
In my grasp
A story told
Of the past
My heart is breaking
From the pain you bestow
There’s no mistaking
You have hurt me so
I cannot trust
In you, so
Now I must
Let you go
My friend, my friend
Please set me free
For until the end
You will deceive.
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #life #addiction#eating disorder

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror Mirror
Can you see
This broken heart
Inside of me
I need to know
How to breathe
Without you here
This pain to ease
Mirror Mirror
Can it be
That you’re a witness
To my needs
I am broken
On my knees
And I am hurting
Beyond belief
Mirror MIrror
Help me flee
From the pain
That comes endlessly
In this winter
My tears do freeze
As they fall
Upon my cheeks
Mirror Mirror
Set me free
And thaw this frozen
Heart in me
Shadows creep
Through a hole
A mile wide
Within my soul
Mirror Mirror
Can you see
Me as I shake like leaves
Blown by the breeze
I stumble
To stay upright
I cannot give up
Without a fight
Mirror Mirror
It’s up to you
To lead me from
This impending doom
Darkness Falls
Inside of me
I cannot fight
My destiny
Mirror Mirror
Have you witnessed
A fading light
Off in the distance
The wind shakes
Me to the core
I don’t want to
Hurt anymore
Mirror Mirror
What’s to be
Of this broken
Heart in me
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #life
An Old poem that I am reposting

Fear

Overcoming Fear Within

Darkness watches
My every single move
Waiting to steal my breath
As if it has something to prove

Thunderous heartbeats
My blood pressure is on the rise
Honestly, it is how I know
That I am still alive

Do you remember when
You first met fear
How old were you
When he first appeared

Truthfully there’s never been
As odd as it may sound
A time when fear has
Not been around

Lurking in the shadows
Interconnected
A Darkness only visible to me
Like a mirror reflected

Does fear
Ever take a grip
Or take you
On a panic trip

Me, Myself and I
Is frequently said
As for me, personally, it was
Me, Myself and Fear instead

Fear is like
My best friend
Whispering secrets
Walking hand in hand

As a child
Using all of my might
I tried to wash away
Darkness with the Light

But around every corner
Keeping pace
SMACK
Like a punch in my face

I tried to breakaway
I tried to break free
I tried to put distance
I tried everything

A young me
Became resigned as
Fear lived within
The corners of my mind

But as I grew
As I tallied the toll
I began to understand
I was giving away my control

I learned that
In order, to get it back
I put Fear on notice
Then began my attack

As I took back
My power
I would become
Stronger by the hour

Challenging Fear
Face to face
Meant understanding when
It was legitimate

I needed not
Be afraid to breathe
Since not everything
Was out to get me

I know that
It probably sounds absurd
But I knew Fear
Before I spoke my first word

I had never learned
To trust my instincts
The idea was as foreign
As another country

I needed to learn
That I could trust
My internal warnings
Like when my hairs stand up

Instead of believing in myself
I was taught to dismiss
Anything that went against
That everything is great, narrative

I understand
Much more Today
About Fear and when
I should be afraid

Now that I’m grown up
Speaking, technically
Fear has been replaced
With inner peace.

3/16/22