Distant Shadows

Distant shadows, I hear you call
If you come closer, will I take the fall?
You are the darkness I hold dear
I know you so without a fear
You sing your songs to me
I listen to your words intently

Distant shadows, can you hear me too?
There is something so familiar about you
You sing to me a desperate serenade
I sometimes think, for you I was made
You will always hold me close to you
If that is what I choose to do

Distant shadows, can you see?
The space I’ve put between me and thee
Darkness makes it hard to see
Lord please light a path for me
As fear sometimes envelopes me
Yet you can feel me breaking free

Distant shadows, I am not sure what to do
Torn between to stay or walk away from you
I feel you try to pull me in
This is the way it always begins
Though I feel you reach for me
I found a better place to be

Distant shadows, I hear you sing
But peace and comfort, you no longer bring
Distant shadows, I hear your lies
So now I bid you this goodbye
There is a place that waits for me
That is better than you will ever be
Distant shadows, I hear you call
But this time I won’t take the fall.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #recovery #addiction #trauma #ptsd

A Speck of Sorrow

A drop glistens
In the light
Of the day
Slowly taking form
Is a speck of sorrow
That almost burns
Searing into the skin
On the side
Of her cheek
The pain
Of the misery
Broken over time
By a giant void
Lost love
Pain that bleeds
Stifling breath
A weight of
Insane proportions
A wide open hole
Tears that burn
Searing the skin
Of her cheek
In complete misery.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #depression #pain

Within My Mind

Day by day
Step by step
We make our way
Trying to forget
The pain of yesterday

Eye to eye
Tear by tear
Seeking why
There’s so much fear
In my mind

Day by day
Turn the Page
Same old story
Age to age
The pains of yesterday

Lie after lie
Spoken in my ear
Over and over in time
Afraid to disappear
Inside my mind

Hiding in wait
Lost in gaze
Attempting to navigate
This twisted maze
The pains of yesterday

Laughter hides
What’s crystal clear
Broken inside
Fading out to disappear
Within my mind.
Katherine Spitzer
#anxiety #depression #life #poetry #ptsd

The Last Time

Oddly strange how little was said
The last time that ours eyes met
When my heart broke all apart
Because I could not reach yours
The overwhelming feeling of defeat
Fading into the darkness of my retreat
The grey that covered your steel- blue eyes
When I stared into them for the very last time
All of your spirit had long since slipped away
I watched as you turned your back on me
Oh how badly I wanted to be wrong
But you were, already gone
Tears fell as I drove away
But I could form no words to say
I watched the sun tumble out of the sky
But I could not say goodbye
All these years underneath the weight
From the guilt of being just a little too late
I was too young to be that strong
Too young for you to rely on
You were the Hero of this child’s life
Until you were consumed by strife
There was nothing I could do
But I so desparately wanted to save you
I know today that is not my place
Because Peace is given with God’s grace
I know that your demons have set you free
So in death you may rest peacefully
I am loving you with every inch of my heart
The way I will until I have departed
Hopefully, in Heaven you will look my way
As finally there will be nothing left to say
Yet now missing you for my days that remain.
Katherine Spitzer

#suicide #depression #broken #grief

This poem is about the last time I looked my big brother in the eyes. I was 16 and I knew he was going to die. This was Sunday afternoon, and they found him on Friday. The coroner said it had likely been gone for 3 days, but he put 2 on the certificate.

My parents used me as their pawn to try to get him to open his door so they could pounce on him.

So little was known about mental illness. 34 years later the way the world treats people with about as much compassion as they did then. Which I think is complete Bullshit. The facilities themselves are the oldest hospital wings on the planet. WHY??? Is it because we are “too sick or delusional to know the difference”.
I was not much beyond 13yo when the police came to “deal with” my brother. My mom had taken offense to something, called 911 and reported that he was acting erratically. I believe that my mom had wanted to teach him a lesson, because I remember her saying something to the effect of “well I’ll show you”.
I don’t know why, At this point, he barely put 5 words together at one time. In fact, he barely spoke 5 words in a day. He was so drugged up with anti-psychotics.
The cops literally chased him around the living and dining room, until they caught him, then sat on him, until he was hogtied. The whole time he was screaming, and crying (& so was I) and then 2 officers carried him out of the house.

I have never talked about those terrifying minutes, detailing the emotions, but it deeply scarred me, like much of the final 4 years and 10 months of his life…. and the aftermath, I am still working on

Be kind, stay blessed, and thank you for being here, ❤️ Kat

Evil Seed

My breath against
A pane of glass
So cold that it has
Intricately defined cracks

Of winters chill
From a broken heart
That will shatter suddenly
If brought out of the dark

In the darkness
Evil breeds
Relentlessly
From the smallest seed

But what if
That evil seed
Has been cultivated
To come from inside me

If all that I have
Is saddness and pain
To give to the world
Please then erase my name

Make it be heard
In crazy campfire haunts
Use me to be a warning
Of what they ought not want

Because it is true
That evil walks beside
People day and night
When you’d think he’d hide

He will choose a form
Of what you think you need
Making promises of lies
If he can make you believe

To take you to hell
Claiming your soul
Into a darkened pit
Buried far below
Katherine A. Spitzer
5/29/19

#poetry #life #depression

Muted

I can hear my heart speak
But it does not make a sound
If you put your ear on my chest
Would the beat be found?

Strange how standing next to you
Can feel so alone
Even in a crowded room
Oddly feeling unknown

I can feel my lips moving
Can you hear the words
A unheard

My eyes can witness
Just as yours do
Yet how differently we perceive
What we see as true

With human nature
That can be inhumane
No two eyes
See exactly the same

Some screams
Fall on deaf ears
Some whispers
Echo through the years

The shadows of darkness
Light the night sky
As the sun is able
To blind the eye

From joy and happiness
Tears will stain
The way we laugh
To ease our pain

This life is strange
Without a doubt
Whether you see it
Upside down or inside out.
Katherine Spitzer

#life #poetry

Breaking Point

I want to be
A thick crystal vase
Etched and Strong
Hard to break
Or maybe like
A granite mountain
Instead of
An ice sculptured fountain
Where the warmth of the air
And flowing water cause
It to lose form and disappear
Why are we made
In such a fragile form
Why aren’t we more like turtles
Able to hide from a storm
I envy the thought
Of having a thick shell
To protect against
Each of life’s little hell
With a lions strength
So full of courage
That I would not break
With just simple words
I want to be fierce
But I wasn’t made that way
I am little more than
The tears I cry today.

Katherine Spitzer

Beckoning Call

My heart cannot hear Love’s beckoning call
It is unable to penetrate these walls
Surrounding my heart like a sacred place
Letting nothing enter, leaving only empty space
Loneliness consumes this hole of tears
Letting them spill, flowing from my eyes
Through my heart with painful cries

Nothing lives in this broken heart of mine.
05/26/1988

An Old Companion

This is a poem from many years ago, struggling with
my addiction. Repost

An old companion
Down the hall
I cannot abandon
I hear it call
Standing silent
Looking back at me
To be defiant
I cannot be
It’s gentle urging
For my return
As I am purging
I feel the burn
A spell of silence
So very loud
Once reliant
Cannot be found
A memory
Of sweet embrace
Has now become
A relentless chase
The acid sears
My every breath
Until there is
Nothing left
My friend, my friend
I hear you call
You, I will defend
Throughout it all
A tiny bottle
From the past
Here in denial
This chance, my last
For the love
Of my destruction
It is enough
Your sweet seduction
It’s my turn
To form a plan
To ensure
One last stand
My friend, my friend
Time cannot recall
Without your hand
Will I take the fall
The bottle I hold
In my grasp
A story told
Of the past
My heart is breaking
From the pain you bestow
There’s no mistaking
You have hurt me so
I cannot trust
In you, so
Now I must
Let you go
My friend, my friend
Please set me free
For until the end
You will deceive.
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #life #addiction#eating disorder

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror Mirror
Can you see
This broken heart
Inside of me
I need to know
How to breathe
Without you here
This pain to ease
Mirror Mirror
Can it be
That you’re a witness
To my needs
I am broken
On my knees
And I am hurting
Beyond belief
Mirror MIrror
Help me flee
From the pain
That comes endlessly
In this winter
My tears do freeze
As they fall
Upon my cheeks
Mirror Mirror
Set me free
And thaw this frozen
Heart in me
Shadows creep
Through a hole
A mile wide
Within my soul
Mirror Mirror
Can you see
Me as I shake like leaves
Blown by the breeze
I stumble
To stay upright
I cannot give up
Without a fight
Mirror Mirror
It’s up to you
To lead me from
This impending doom
Darkness Falls
Inside of me
I cannot fight
My destiny
Mirror Mirror
Have you witnessed
A fading light
Off in the distance
The wind shakes
Me to the core
I don’t want to
Hurt anymore
Mirror Mirror
What’s to be
Of this broken
Heart in me
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #life
An Old poem that I am reposting