Chosen

Many many nights
I still lay awake
Beneath enormous weight
As my heart breaks

How can memories
Weigh so much
When will that guilt
Ever be enough

The day we shared
Is almost here
How do I breathe
Without you near

When will I ever
Be able to know
That it is okay
To let you go

Because the thought
So far from me
Of you gone away
For eternity

Brings a lasting ache
That steals my breath complete
Then I wait to see
If my heart continues to beat

Why did you
Not let me know
To hug you again
Would not be so

I still hear the sound
Of your voice say
That you would
Love me for always

You always said
I was the lucky one
Oh how being alone
Must have stung

My brother send
Some strength my way
So I can find the courage
To live beyond today

I don’t know how
It worked out to be
That death chose you
Instead of me.

Katherine Spitzer
5/29/12

Distant Shadows

Distant shadows, I hear you call
If you come closer, will I take the fall?
You are the darkness I hold dear
I know you so without a fear
You sing your songs to me
I listen to your words intently

Distant shadows, can you hear me too?
There is something so familiar about you
You sing to me a desperate serenade
I sometimes think, for you I was made
You will always hold me close to you
If that is what I choose to do

Distant shadows, can you see?
The space I’ve put between me and thee
Darkness makes it hard to see
Lord please light a path for me
As fear sometimes envelopes me
Yet you can feel me breaking free

Distant shadows, I am not sure what to do
Torn between to stay or walk away from you
I feel you try to pull me in
This is the way it always begins
Though I feel you reach for me
I found a better place to be

Distant shadows, I hear you sing
But peace and comfort, you no longer bring
Distant shadows, I hear your lies
So now I bid you this goodbye
There is a place that waits for me
That is better than you will ever be
Distant shadows, I hear you call
But this time I won’t take the fall.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #recovery #addiction #trauma #ptsd

Still Breathing

I am reposting this poem that I wrote after two mass shootings in Texas in a single weekend. It seems like there is so much madness and hatred… but why? How has violence the immediate reaction to even the smallest slight? How did we get here? I don’t understand and I don’t think that I will ever understand. I hope you enjoy the read. Please stay blessed and kindness has the power to save the world. Thanks so much for being here, ❤️ Kat

I am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

A human being

My God

Does your heart break

In awe

Of the rampent hate

Despite your words

Of loving grace

Are you disturbed

By the human race

Every time

I turn around

In hatred and violence

Lives are shot down

For everyday

Of this year

In the United States

A mass murder

Instigated by

Hate speech

Rhetoric and lies

From those who lead

How did we

Get to this place

Becoming so ugly

Where everyone’s afraid

Grade school kids

Have butterflies

Looking ahead

As excitements rise

When back to school shoppers

Fall victim on Saturday

To a planned massacre

And wind up in a grave

God do your tears fall

Like mine do here

Where evil crawls

Across the universe

I know it will be

As written in the scripture

Your return eventually

Will change this picture

I am not afraid

Of your return

When the evil that walks

Will forever burn

As long as I

Am still here

Still breathing

Consuming air

I will pray to you

For comfort and peace

For your presence

With those in need

My Almighty Savior

Faithful are thee

With your love so pure

Blessed are those who believe

I will never be perfect

Or ever claim to be

I have stumbled for certain

Still you love me completely

My God, I love you too.

Katherine Spitzer 8/20/2019

#poetry #faith #iamachildofgod #believe #hope #life

A Speck of Sorrow

A drop glistens
In the light
Of the day
Slowly taking form
Is a speck of sorrow
That almost burns
Searing into the skin
On the side
Of her cheek
The pain
Of the misery
Broken over time
By a giant void
Lost love
Pain that bleeds
Stifling breath
A weight of
Insane proportions
A wide open hole
Tears that burn
Searing the skin
Of her cheek
In complete misery.
Katherine Spitzer

#poetry #life #depression #pain

Within My Mind

Day by day
Step by step
We make our way
Trying to forget
The pain of yesterday

Eye to eye
Tear by tear
Seeking why
There’s so much fear
In my mind

Day by day
Turn the Page
Same old story
Age to age
The pains of yesterday

Lie after lie
Spoken in my ear
Over and over in time
Afraid to disappear
Inside my mind

Hiding in wait
Lost in gaze
Attempting to navigate
This twisted maze
The pains of yesterday

Laughter hides
What’s crystal clear
Broken inside
Fading out to disappear
Within my mind.
Katherine Spitzer
#anxiety #depression #life #poetry #ptsd

Diversity

Time moves on without a thought
How cruel is that truth
My heart breaks with loss
My voice becomes mute

No one’s pain is measured
In any proven way
To say who is more treasured
Yours or mine on any given day

My heart beats as does yours
With no more validity
My spirit sinks and soars
Just as intermittently

For every stranger passing by
Pain weaves it’s way intricately
As no one makes it through this life
Without the mark of defeat

One of the beauties of this world
Are the roots of our diversity
I hope that my words are heard
In languages that, I do not speak

For everyone in His sight
Deserves to be regarded preciously
We were made by God’s design
LOVE speaks universally.
Katherine Spitzer

#life #poetry #pain #hope

Alive

The clouds they
Move across my mind
In between
The sky and I
Long enough
To lose sight
Of the horizon
Before my eyes
Too many times
In my life
Were so dark
In the sunshine
The days or so
At least I think
Of in between
On the brink
Where I lost
All sense of time
In the shadows
Of day and night
In deep pain
Truly suffering
With every breath
Came a sting
Frequently
That very sting
Was the only way
I knew I was breathing
Life was someplace
Dark and light
Of nothingness but
For the tears I cried
You cannot know
This place
Unless you have been
Lost in this maze
A maze of
Crevices and cracks
An eternally spinning
Mind trap
With such speed
Accompanied by dizziness
Waiting to awake
A brutal suspense
Where up is down
Left is right
A go means stop kind of
Haziness of life
It matters not
Who loves you
It matters only
If you can love you too
I have walked
So far and long
To be exactly
Where I belong
It is the same
Old place I have always been
That I see so differently now
Than I did then
I was so
Blinded by pain
Completely numbing
My heart and brain
For as long
As I can even remember
Deep inside
I’ve carried fear
I was able to
Keep it from
Destroying me
When I was young
I learned to be
Fast on my feet
Smiling and joking
So you did not see
The times I felt
I could not breathe
The nights that I
Cried myself to sleep
Where if you had not
Watched me fall
I may have really
Fooled you all
I know I tried
My very best
To hide my
Emotional unrest
I have been here
In this place
But I have eclipsed
That empty space
For those who have
Stood by me
My grateful heart
Loves you eternally
It has been
A bumpy ride
Without you I’d have
Surely lost the fight
Life is now
No longer colorless
There is beauty
There is music
More than lucky
I am blessed
I can see that now
If I couldn’t back then
God has been
By my side
For every smile
Or tear I’ve cried
He lovingly placed ones
Intentionally
To be exactly where
I needed them to be
Those who have
Helped to open my eyes
To challenge the fear
I have carried inside
You are my angels
Shimmering at night
That God has given me
As my nightlight
Each new day
I am so amazed
By my earthly angels
Who shared this journey
I believe that you
Know who you are
You have shined so bright
My light, my stars
I want you to know
You mean everything
By birth or heart
You are my family.
Katherine Spitzer

#life #poetry #hope #faith #blessed #love #gratitude

The Last Time

Oddly strange how little was said
The last time that ours eyes met
When my heart broke all apart
Because I could not reach yours
The overwhelming feeling of defeat
Fading into the darkness of my retreat
The grey that covered your steel- blue eyes
When I stared into them for the very last time
All of your spirit had long since slipped away
I watched as you turned your back on me
Oh how badly I wanted to be wrong
But you were, already gone
Tears fell as I drove away
But I could form no words to say
I watched the sun tumble out of the sky
But I could not say goodbye
All these years underneath the weight
From the guilt of being just a little too late
I was too young to be that strong
Too young for you to rely on
You were the Hero of this child’s life
Until you were consumed by strife
There was nothing I could do
But I so desparately wanted to save you
I know today that is not my place
Because Peace is given with God’s grace
I know that your demons have set you free
So in death you may rest peacefully
I am loving you with every inch of my heart
The way I will until I have departed
Hopefully, in Heaven you will look my way
As finally there will be nothing left to say
Yet now missing you for my days that remain.
Katherine Spitzer

#suicide #depression #broken #grief

This poem is about the last time I looked my big brother in the eyes. I was 16 and I knew he was going to die. This was Sunday afternoon, and they found him on Friday. The coroner said it had likely been gone for 3 days, but he put 2 on the certificate.

My parents used me as their pawn to try to get him to open his door so they could pounce on him.

So little was known about mental illness. 34 years later the way the world treats people with about as much compassion as they did then. Which I think is complete Bullshit. The facilities themselves are the oldest hospital wings on the planet. WHY??? Is it because we are “too sick or delusional to know the difference”.
I was not much beyond 13yo when the police came to “deal with” my brother. My mom had taken offense to something, called 911 and reported that he was acting erratically. I believe that my mom had wanted to teach him a lesson, because I remember her saying something to the effect of “well I’ll show you”.
I don’t know why, At this point, he barely put 5 words together at one time. In fact, he barely spoke 5 words in a day. He was so drugged up with anti-psychotics.
The cops literally chased him around the living and dining room, until they caught him, then sat on him, until he was hogtied. The whole time he was screaming, and crying (& so was I) and then 2 officers carried him out of the house.

I have never talked about those terrifying minutes, detailing the emotions, but it deeply scarred me, like much of the final 4 years and 10 months of his life…. and the aftermath, I am still working on

Be kind, stay blessed, and thank you for being here, ❤️ Kat

Evil Seed

My breath against
A pane of glass
So cold that it has
Intricately defined cracks

Of winters chill
From a broken heart
That will shatter suddenly
If brought out of the dark

In the darkness
Evil breeds
Relentlessly
From the smallest seed

But what if
That evil seed
Has been cultivated
To come from inside me

If all that I have
Is saddness and pain
To give to the world
Please then erase my name

Make it be heard
In crazy campfire haunts
Use me to be a warning
Of what they ought not want

Because it is true
That evil walks beside
People day and night
When you’d think he’d hide

He will choose a form
Of what you think you need
Making promises of lies
If he can make you believe

To take you to hell
Claiming your soul
Into a darkened pit
Buried far below
Katherine A. Spitzer
5/29/19

#poetry #life #depression

Eight

Here’s a little memory
About a child’s fate
The Saga of a little girl
And we will call her Kate
Events in life that changed her
When she was only eight

Having fun as time passed by
But it was getting late
1 more sale almost home
The competition great
In the lead and number one
And she was only eight

Up the street and over 1
Was a sale super great
The family that lived there
Back in 1978
She walked up the driveway happily
Would she sell six boxes or 8

The boy said Mom’s here
Step inside and wait
She stepped inside nervously
Then in a frantic state
As the top latch was secured
And she was only eight

They chased her to and fro
Back and forth and straight
Desperation taking hold
As she tried to escape
It seemed slim with four of them
And she was only eight

Kate followed their demands
Wanting out she wanted to escape
Wishing she could go home
Instead they sealed her fate
It’s hard to explain to anyone
Being raped when you are eight
Katherine Spitzer
#poetry #trauma #ptsd